Bridesmaids Revisited
Is all fair in love and taffeta? Plus, we weigh-in on a reader who wants to weasel out of in-law gatherings when her spouse's family won't speak English
RANT & RAVE: Bridesmaids
Although Covid has put a spanner in the works of many couples’ plans, some intrepid love birds will still be tie-ing the knot this summer. And along with the vows and the toasts comes all those wedding conundrums. It became fashionable over the last few years to call out bridezillas who asked their bridal parties to meet their bonkers expectations. Maintain or lose weight. No French manicures! Hair must be shorter than bride’s. No getting pregnant or engaged before the wedding. And that doesn’t even touch the financial obligations.
Tik Tok-er @lisalovesrandom went viral with a video about the transparency letter she sent to her potential bridesmaids. Have a look!
CERI’S RAVE: I’m going to come clean that I’ve changed my tune a lot when it comes to weddings. When Kim and I wrote The Fabulous Girl’s Guide to Decorum, we went pretty hard at bridal registries, calling them tacky and grabby. Friends, I was not married at that time. And when I got engaged? You bet I had a registry! As a result I only got a few very odd wedding gifts (where did we put that dinner gong anyway?)
Back then I would have found this young woman’s transparency letter to her potential bridesmaids awful. But now, I confess, I appreciate it. There’s no longer one way to get married or throw a wedding and people shouldn’t have to guess at what they’re getting into by saying yes to bridesmaid duty. Why not spell out exactly what you’ve got in mind, what kind of time and financial commitment you’re looking for in your bridesmaids and give them the grace to bow out if it won’t work for them? I like it!
KIM’S RANT: WTF is a bridesmaid proposal box? And why do you need a wedding party prenup? At least that’s how this sounds to me. This has made the whole asking your bestie to share your special day a business transaction. Registry is one thing. I kinda, sorta, get it. Newlyweds get the gifts they want. And guests don’t have to guess. But this whole rules and regulations, expectations and Excel spreadsheet thing is off-putting, controlling, and quite frankly boring AF. If brides approach planning the wedding with such a lack of romance as this, can’t imagine how they truly think of their spouse-to-be or marriage.
Truth be told, it’s been awhile since either of us walked down the aisle, so Why Would You Do This has special guests this week to help us out. Please meet Michelle Bilodeau and Karen Cleveland, authors of The New Wedding Book; A Guide to Ditching All the Rules. (If you’re getting married, you really should get this excellent book!)
KAREN’S TWO CENTS: Potentially unpopular position here, but wedding parties are gendered and over-rated. There. I said it. Proposing people to be in your wedding is, I don't know, I don't get it. And ranking your friends so your A-bench makes the cut as bridesmaids is just weird. That said, I love the fresh thinking about being totally up front about expectations, particularly when it comes to how expensive it could get.Yey for people wearing the dress of their choice! Yey for giving people the option to decline with no hard feelings! Boo for the arbitrary rules like, if you live within an hour you must attend my shower.
MICHELLE’S TWO CENTS: Oof. Are we still doing this? Bridesmaids, groomsmen, wedding parties? Call me biased, but all you really need is one friend to be a witness on each side, and then you can get hitched. The fact that the expectations of a wedding party are so great that it's come to transparency letters is mind blowing. Being up front about costs (time and financial) should be tablestakes in a good friendship. While I applaud this level of honesty, it shouldn't have gotten to this point in the first place. We are putting too much pressure on couples, women in particular, around how to behave when it comes to weddings. Just go elope already!
And now for something completely different… from pre-wedding infamy to wedded bliss, thanks to this week’s query from a reader…
THE BIG Q:
I’m married to a man from a European country. We travel overseas each summer to visit his parents and relatives. Sometimes they travel to our place in the States. But they all speak a language I don’t understand, and they talk to each other nearly the entire time with no regard to the fact I can’t join in. Isn’t this rude? And how do I weasel my way out of these gatherings?
WHAT KIM SAYS: Pardonnez-moi? Just teasing! To answer the simple part, is it rude? The answer is that it depends. It would be completely rude if say, you’re a guest at a new friend or business acquaintance’s dinner party and they knowingly cut you out by conducting the majority of the conversation in French. Likewise if you’re at the office (remember those?) and two people on your team continue chattering in Cantonese, knowing you can’t speak it. Are they talking about you? We’d all wonder. If you are in a small gathering or in a workplace sitch and you and your buddy want to dissect Mare of Easttown in Swahili, don’t do it when Brenda from marketing is with you. Unless Brenda is just grabbing a cuppa. In other words, if you’re spending direct quality time hanging or working with someone who doesn’t understand or speak a word of the language you’re speaking in front of them, please stop. You’re making poor Brenda uncomfortable, left-out and perhaps paranoid. “Is it my breath? I should have skipped the tuna sandwich.”
But if it’s family and an ongoing dilemma then I’d ask you if you’d tried to learn any of their language? Maybe they think you’re the rude person for not trying? Ceri, what do you think?
WHAT CERI SAYS: Dude, I feel you. I’m in a very similar situation. My husband’s family is German and we go for family reunions every other year. I felt so out of place when I started joining these trips! But now I have it down. Here’s what you’re going to do:
First of all, try not to take it personally. Of course they’re all excited to see each other and catch up - and it’s more comfortable for them to speak their common language. Why not duck out early on the first evening and let your husband linger and Euro-language it up with his family?
Secondly, find a buddy. I guarantee you a few of your husband’s relatives speak English. In a conversational circle with you and someone he knows can speak English, he should initiate with English. This person is your new best friend. Laugh at every joke! Compliment their style! Get them a drink! They are now your bridge to the other English speakers.
Thirdly, learn a little of their language. Most Europeans speak two if not three languages. North Americans? English plus some high school French or Spanish. We can do better, can’t we? Get a few phrases under your belt and your husband’s family will love you for it. Yes, it’s awkward as ass to speak a foreign language in front of the fluent! But remember it may be how some of them are feeling, too, about speaking English.
KIM AGAIN: I agree with Ceri on her points. And language is a touchy subject. Look what’s happening in Canada this red hot minute with the revelation that the new Governor General does not speak French. Mary Simon, the nation’s first indigenous person to hold the position, is bilingual in English and Inuktitut, but not a peep of the country’s second official language. Le scandale! This has created a public relations nightmare for Prime Minister Trudeau.
As for the weaseling out part… that is tough, but you will have to suck it up the first night and as Ceri suggested, and leave early. After that you can play it by ear in terms of how large the gathering will be and if you will be missed.
Though I am curious to know how your husband feels? Does he ask that his family speak English for your sake? Or has he given up? Or is he in agreement with Uncle Sven and is quietly resenting your lack of interest in learning? That’s a marital squabble for another time!
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